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I’ve gone through a point in my life over the past few months, where I’ve been through a lot of discomfort. You don’t see it in me when I go out or when I’m around others, it’s an inward, personal discomfort with myself. Saying that might seem negative to some, but I feel like I need to have a negative attitude towards myself. Here’s why:
1. I haven’t been taking faith seriously enough.
Last year was an easy, smooth and quiet year for me. I had little to no contact with my bible or God, and I didn’t feel the need to, because I felt in control. I felt like I was in charge, and I was the leader of my own life.
2. I pursued purpose in things that weren’t my thing. I tried to be good at things I didn’t want to be doing, and I thought it was the right thing to do.
3. I neglected my need for faith. I had no sign in me that I was living a life with God at the center, I was just going through the motions.
4. Christianity was basically a cushion. A crutch, a backup plan, whatever you want to call it. Christianity was something I could fall back on when bad stuff happened. I could vent to God, he could forgive me, and that would be it for me. But I didn’t want to live that way anymore.
So in February of this year, at a winter church camp, I beat myself up emotionally basically. I believed I was not enough. I felt during that camp that I had lost control of my own life. And all of those things were good for me. I disliked the sinner I was so much, and that allowed God to enter into my life again. That camp showed me how to be humble, and how to hate the sin inside of me, and that’s when I could finally acknowledge my NEED for the gospel, and for God’s love. Christianity wasn’t a crutch anymore, it was the oxygen I needed to breathe. It was something that gave my life purpose, and Jesus’ death meant something to me finally.
So my faith this year has relied a lot on being a little pessimistic when it comes to myself. I feel that if I ever let myself like myself too much, I’ll forget how much I need God. So I am a sinner, I am broken, I am not perfect, I am flawed… and that’s why I’m a christian. Not for a free pass into heaven, but because God deserves a bit of respect after all the sin and disrespect I gave him, and will give him in the future.
Discomfort now, but then comfort later.